The Dark Thought Every Exhausted Mother Hides

Have you ever looked at your life and secretly thought, I just want out? Have you ever carried an invisible weight so heavy that getting out of bed felt completely impossible?

When Allison Byxbe moved to a new state with her family, she was blindsided just three weeks later by her one-year-old son’s diagnosis with a rare genetic disorder (49 Tetra XY). For years, under the exhausting physical demands of raising three toddlers and confronting the reality of profound intellectual and physical disability, grief settled over her like a suffocating weighted blanket. She questioned God’s goodness, felt isolated from friends whose children hit normal milestones, and felt completely cut off from the God she had trusted her whole life.

The breaking point arrived on an ordinary afternoon watching her children play in the backyard. Crushed by sorrow, the thought entered her mind: Maybe they’d be better off without me. But right in that moment of despair, the Holy Spirit broke through the darkness with a clear whisper: "That is not a thought from God." Reminded of Deuteronomy’s call to choose life, Allison turned toward honest prayer and journaling, encountering Jesus not as an absent figure, but as the Good Shepherd and Living Water weeping and walking right beside her.

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live." — Deuteronomy 30:19

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